‘Legends of Tomorrow’ S1E7: What the Hell Is a Time Pirate?

by Agent Alicia Glass (a.k.a. Pandora the Punctuation Horror)

Here we are, a-floatin’ through space, trying to figure out when to go after Vandal Savage next, but needing a serious software update to the shipboard A.I., Gideon, in order to manage that. Captain Hunter is torturing himself with holographic visions of his past, while our Legends are going stir crazy. Rory and Snart are still sniping at each other over the events of the previous episode, Ray and Kendra are tippy-toeing around romantic entanglement, and everyone else is just really bored. Then comes a distress call from Captain Baxter of the Timeship Acheron, and our Legends are off to save the day!

We have to remember that Professor Stein is the manchild nerd for the sci-fi geek in all of us, and really, the Waverider hasn’t really gone through space yet: Only timestreams. So, while Stein waxes poetic about the stars and his time as a Space Ranger when he was a wee boy, we’re treated to further memories of Rip Hunter’s time at the Timemasters academy, where he trains with a love interest and fellow student, Miranda Koburn. It’s so cute how Rip responds to being overshadowed in the training simulation by his female counterpart with something like, “You beat me – that’s so hot,” and a makeout session that sadly, gets them into trouble. Timemaster romance of any kind is rather harshly discouraged, and young Rip and his Lady are about to be the equivalent of court-martialed.

Meanwhile back in the really-real world, the boarding party that went to check out the Acheron has been overrun with — say it with me — space pirates! Or rather, as Captain Hunter calls them, Time Pirates, led by Captain Valler (Callum Keith Rennie). Many of us did wonder, as we were watching the episode, how does a pirate plunder time? Are there tachyons to be stolen? Well, anyway, our Legends are here in space being harried by Time Pirates, which inevitably opens the cargo bay doors for every single last classic Sci-fi reference you can think of! Star Wars, of course, Jax probably got the best line for that one; Ray as Captain Palmer is so much better as a Sulu reference rather than trying to Shatner his way through Star Trek; the green lighting on the Acheron makes us think of the excellent atmosphere in Ridley Scott’s original Alien; Stein talked about being a Space Ranger when he was a kid, DC just broke the fourth wall; there’s even a cry of “Great Scott!” and we all know what beloved time travel epic that’s from! The commands, “Imperiex,” and “Kanjar Ro” are also names of space-based DC comics villains, just FYI. And it has to be included, Captain Hunter running around fighting time pirates in that coat reminded me very much of Captain Jack Harkness, doing his epic thing in Torchwood!

Much emphasis is placed on the deteriorating relationship between Rory and Snart, especially when Rory decides he’s had enough and attempts to make a deal with the Time Pirates. Snart has a few beautiful moments with Sara, first while they play cards to alleviate boredom and she has some almost-sympathy for the dwindling brotherhood, and then later when they’re both freezing to death (because nature’s vacuum runs on irony) and they exchange what death is really like and how Mick and Leonard met. The assassin and the thief, we adore them both and the show seems to have them swimming towards true friendship, if not an actual romance. I’m voting for a romance, even if it’s brief, because just imagine the shockwave reverberations through all the Legends once it’s over!

Eventually — we knew it was coming — our Legends overcame the Time Pirates, repaired both the Acheron and the Waverider, cleared Captain Hunter’s name as far as the snooty Timemasters reputation fuckery goes, and now we have to deal with internal issues. Our resident firebug, Heatwave, has just gone too far into the darkness, and our Legends meet around the table to discuss what to do now. Snart says he will handle it, and even makes an actual go at it, but can he really take out the sundered other half of his soul? As much emphasis as the show placed on love no matter what, I kind of doubt it. The preview for next week’s episode shows a few of our Legends off chasing Vandal Savage in 1950s Oregon and Kendra in an actual poodle skirt, so let’s pray for visions of a greaser Heatwave, or at least a Rory on ice for now!

Catch DC’s Legends of Tomorrow Thursdays on the CW at 8:00 p.m./7:00 p.m., Central!

XXX

Movie Review: ‘Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens’

by Agent Nur Hussein (a.k.a. The Robot Whisperer)

Are you a Star Wars fan?

Go see Star Wars: The Force Awakens, right now. Drop whatever you’re doing and go right now. It is essential that you go in the movie knowing nothing about it, other than this fact:

This is the Star Wars you’re looking for.

It is brilliant, not just visually or plot-wise, but it also packs an emotional wallop. Some of our beloved characters return. We fall in love with all the brand new ones, too. Spaceships race across the screen, roll and flip in space and through the skies of distant planets. The Millennium Falcon roars. TIE fighters scream. The Star Wars you remembered, the one you missed, is back.

There are no spoilers in this review, I am going to talk about it in the broadest of strokes possible. Still, you really shouldn’t even be reading this, just stop and go see it.

Still with me? Do you still need some convincing? Did the prequels let you down?

Okay then.

The thing that made the classic trilogy great wasn’t really the fantastic visuals or the special effects, although that was icing on the cake. The classic trilogy was great because it had heart. It had characters we could root for and relate to. The space war was epic but the characters and their interpersonal conflicts kept it grounded despite the fantastic things that were happening around them. George Lucas lost sight of this when he made the prequels, and decided to concentrate on spectacle. In The Force Awakens, director J.J. Abrams delivers the spectacle in droves, but he never loses sight of the characters. As a result, as soon as we’re introduced to the new heroes and villains, we love the good guys instantly, and the bad guys repluse us with their evil and cruelty. The story of Star Wars was always good against evil, and while there isn’t a lot of subtlety here, a back-to-basics approach definitely helps the narrative this time around.

To write a story with a punch is no mean feat, and joining Abrams for screenwriting duties are Michael Arndt and Lawrence Kasdan, the latter being the person who originally wrote The Empire Strikes Back, regarded by fans as the best in the series. However, the movie doesn’t (just) ride on the coat-tails of nostalgia. It builds a mythology of its own; as mysteries are revealed, more questions pop up, and the cluttered galaxy we’ve got to know from the original Star Wars movies, prequels, and countless (now non-canonical) spin off media has been pared down, yet contain new surprises of its own.

The production of this movie is utterly gorgeous. Abrams and company spared no expense, and the heavy use of practical effects pays off big time, as we feel pulled into the magical world of Star Wars, yet again. Most of the sets and creatures look like they belong in the physical realm, and interact with the actors in the real world, thus bringing out nuances in performances that were utterly missing in the prequels.

The returning cast members will make audiences cheer: It’s like meeting old friends again. Han Solo (Harrison Ford), Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew) and Leia Organa (Carrie Fisher) are the primary returning heroes, and we see they are now aged and battle-weary, yet still carry the same sparkle in their eyes as we remembered them from years ago. However, this movie belongs to the new generation of heroes; the new actors really, really shine. The film’s weight is carried on the three new leads: John Boyega as Finn, Daisy Ridley as Rey, and Oscar Isaacs as Poe Dameron. Boyega, Ridley and Isaacs all have their own unique wit and charm, the missing ingredient from the prequels that show up in spades here. Up to this point, Boyega and Ridley were obscure actors but this film may catapult them to superstardom (perhaps, boosting Isaacs’ visibility even more too).

If there is a fault to this movie, it’s that, in making a loving tribute to the original Star Wars trilogy (while also continuing it), there’s a certain lack of originality to it. Some story elements go from familiar to too-familiar; some key plot points have a somewhat derivative feel to them. However, the director and screenwriters make very bold choices too, and you are going to be at the edge of your seat throughout.

I give Star Wars: The Force Awakens four out of five stars, and it is quite possibly the best genre movie of the year.

XXX

K-Pop Kapow! ‘Star Wars’ Collaboration

by Agent Zoe de Lellis (a.k.a. Han-ji)

Welcome back to K-Pop Kapow! Your one stop for all things K-Pop.

Whew! This has been an interesting week. Earlier in the week, fans began accusing singer/songwriter and actress, IU, of using a sample of Britney Spears’ “Gimme More” without permission after someone pointed out the similarities between “Gimme More” and IU’s single “23.” IU and her company responded that they had obtained the sample with permission, but that they would be more careful in letting fans know when popular songs were sampled.

Then, fans started noticing another song called “Zeze,” off IU’s album, Chat-ShireThe song is named after a young boy character in a novel called My Sweet Orange Tree. The song has what some might interpret as sexually charged lyrics, and some felt that they were inappropriate because the character of Zeze is only five years old. The drama escalated when critics began to point out what they felt were Lolita concepts throughout IU’s whole album: her album cover shoot, the artwork on her album, and the song “Zeze.” IU herself has issued an apology to fans, taking full responsibility for the misunderstanding of her lyrics. She blamed her inexperience as a songwriting for the unclear meaning of “Zeze,” and promised to work harder in the future so this doesn’t happen again. Amidst all this drama, though, IU has been taking first place at music shows, beating out Girls’ Generation’s Taeyeon’s solo debut.

What do Star Wars and K-Pop have in common? Well, nothing, until now! The huge news that a K-Pop group would be collaborating with Walt Disney Korea to release a single for the newest movie in the franchise dropped this week. It had fans instantly speculating about which group it might be. But the company took pity on anxious fans and revealed that EXO would be that group! Way back before EXO even debuted, there was a teaser video put up for member Kai that featured a song called “Lightsaber” that fans never got to hear in full. Now, there is a teaser video out featuring a rap by Chanyeol and some dramatic scenes leading up to what looks like a lightsaber duel! In traditional EXO fashion, the song is heavy-hitting, electronic, with a catchy hook, and what I’m sure is going to be epic choreography. It’s also reported that EXO’s company, SM Entertainment, will be collaborating with Walt Disney Korea for more projects related to the Star Wars release on December 17, 2015, in Korea.

The Melon Music Awards were held this week, as well. BIGBANG won Artist of the Year, EXO won Album of the Year for EXODUS, and BTS won best dance for I Need U. iKON and GFriend took home the Rookie Awards.

The performances this year were crazy! BTS performed a remixed “I Need U” with an amazing intro dance break and slightly altered choreography to keep things interesting. They also had Iron Man-esque hand lights that lit up a darkened stadium, and slick shiny black costumes to suit the mood. iKON also came out strong with performances of “Rhythm Ta” and “My Type.” Even though they faced some microphone malfunctions, they managed to perform like pros and not let the difficulties stop them from having an amazing performance. Other notable groups that performed were Apink, with a medley intro and “Remember”; BIGBANG with four songs off their MADE album; EXID with a medley of their hits; Red Velvet with their hit “Dumb Dumb”; GFriend; and MONSTAX. This award show got fans excited for the upcoming MNet Asian Music Awards, or MAMA, coming up in early December.

XXX

 

Japanese Trailer For ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’

by Agent Nur Hussein (a.k.a. The Robot Whisperer)

After the “final” trailer we saw last month, we didn’t think there’d be any more trailers for Star Wars: The Force Awakens. However, today the Japanese trailer dropped for the movie, and there’s a ton of new footage!

While it is more or less the same sequence of events we saw during the last American trailer, which aired on American TV last month during Monday Night Football, there are slightly different clips. Instead of Rey descending into the ruins of the Star Destroyer, we see her right outside its massive remains. We see Rey chatting with the cute little BB-8 droid as it rolls along after her on the dunes of Jakku. One extra nugget that dropped is that Rey is waiting for her family. Just who is her family? Some folks we already know? We’re left in suspense! Next, we see a very alarmed BB-8 alerting Rey and Finn to the coming squadron of TIE fighters. The shot of the fighters approaching is framed by a giant red sun, like an attack at dawn (or dusk). Dramatic!

The next few shots are almost the same as in the U.S. trailer: Kylo Ren blabbering on about destiny, and then a ground attack by stormtroopers, led by Captain Phasma. We get a quick glimpse of Finn and Rey introducing themselves to each other. We see BB-8 looking at a faraway explosion. After that, Chewie blows up some bad guys. And then we see Rey being threatened by Kylo Ren and his weird crossguard lightsaber. How’s she going to get out of this one?

So many new questions now! Disney’s marketing machine sure knows how to make us go crazy with anticipation for a movie franchise that pretty much almost flatlined with the disappointing prequels. Let’s hope we get the Star Wars we’ve been waiting for this time.

“Hope is not lost today. It is found.”

XXX

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SdAUiyeJMFQ

Final Trailer for ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ Released

by Agent Nur Hussein (a.k.a. The Robot Whisperer)

Things are looking pretty good for the new Disney Star Wars franchise. Every time there’s a new trailer, the internet loses its shit; I freely admit that I am a member of that very horde of Star Wars fans whose shit was inevitably lost last night. This happened despite the fatigue of Star Wars I previously felt with the baggage of the prequels and endless expanded universe tie-ins and cash grabs. Fans around the world have been tweeting with glee, and posting their reaction shots on social media, including the stars themselves (check out this super adorable one that Daisy Ridley posted, and this funny one from John Boyega).

During yesterday’s halftime break of Monday Night Football (I’m told this is a sports thing with a huge following), Lucasfilm decided to drop the third trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens. The trailers for Star Wars are masterfully crafted; we get a greater inkling of the characters without revealing anything about the plot.

We see more of the new primary characters:

  1. Rey, the enigmatic junk collector from the desert planet of Jakku.
  2. Finn, the stormtrooper with an existential crisis and possibly a Jedi destiny.
  3. Kylo Ren, the darkside-powered creepy Darth Vader fanboy who’s carried his obsession a little too far.

We also get glimpses of Han and Leia, with Han providing a link to the old heroes of the original trilogy. We see shots of BB8 rolling around (isn’t he cute?), Captain Phasma looking intimidating, and Poe Dameron being tortured by the big bad. We are teased with John Williams’ familiar theme, and X-Wings and TIE fighters and the Millenium Falcon, all whizzing around and dogfighting across the screen. Sure, I realize they’re milking the nostalgia for all it’s worth, but I appreciate how much effort that went into crafting the perfect nostalgic trip for old fans while creating genuine excitement for the new characters.

In the final shots, we see Finn wielding a lightsaber and squaring off against Kylo Ren. Will Finn become a Jedi? When will we see Luke Skywalker again? Is that his robot hand resting on R2-D2? The trailers keep whetting our appetites!

Star Wars: The Force Awakens opens December 18, 2015, in the United States, and tickets went on sale last night, except the folks running the online services selling tickets either grossly underestimated the rabid enthusiasm of the horde of Star Wars geeks, or were aware of it and yet still woefully unprepared for the spike in traffic to their web ticket sales pages. Fandango and AMC theaters experienced server crashes, and the fans who could get through may find most if not all the tickets sold out already.

For the Star Wars fans out there waiting to get a ticket, we hope you do get one eventually. After decades of waiting for a proper continuation to Star Wars after Return of the Jedi, we finally get to see what happens next.

Not a Solo Mission: ‘Legacy of the Force’ Opens Sep. 3

by Agent Amanda Grefski (a.k.a. Madame Helleveeg)

The force is strong within Leia and Han Solo’s children, Jaina and Jacen, but, sadly, so is the propensity for succumbing to the dark side. Legacy of the Force is an epic journey of courage, sacrifice, and the corruption that comes with a fixation on a singular goal, even if that goal is originally meant for the greater good. Full of complex, relatable characters, Legacy of the Force promises us an action-packed, roaring roller coaster filled with mind-bending light saber duels as well as the edge-of-your-seat story lines we know and love from this universe.

Based on the Star Wars novel, Invincible, by Troy Denning, Legacy of the Force stars Jaci Twiss as Jaina Solo and Tye Nelson as Jacen Solo, Leia and Han Solo’s twins. In a decided divergence from the original trilogy, Jaina Solo is called the Sword of the Jedi and she, not the prominent male characters, is the hero and rescuer in this film. This is a definite plus for all of us lady Jedi out there and for the blossoming Jedi girls of the next generation. Jaina is a gritty, tough, smart character who is forced to make extraordinary sacrifices and beat even more extraordinary odds. She is a fighter, a tactician, but also a loving sister. She possesses all of the depth and complexity of the leading male Jedi characters, with just the right dose of bad-ass. And Jacen, not your typical villain either, is the leader of the Galactic Alliance, blinded by what he thinks is right: a drive that transforms him into the Sith lord, Darth Caedus. This makes him, as a character, both dangerous and relatable, because he isn’t blinded by love or loss, but by what he thinks will help the future of the Galactic Alliance. But it’s ultimately single-mindedness that draws him to the dark side.

But the Solos are not the only legendary progeny in this cast; Julia Fae Sanders portrays Mirta Gev, granddaughter of Boba Fett, both of whom are mentors to the Sword of the Jedi, Jaina. Mirta Gev has the unique position of being both a mentor and “frenemy” of Jaina, which adds both tension and a pinch of dark humor to the already rich storyline and cast. Legacy of the Force also stars Tom J. Post as Prince Isolder, former ruler of Hapes and father to Tenel-Ka, Jacen Solo’s secret love. Ironically a once courtier to Princess Leia Organa Solo, he is now a prisoner to Darth Caedus. Through Isolder, we see Jacen/Caedus’ eventual struggle between his heart and his will, a struggle that will define his future and those in his midst.

Legacy of the Force will be released on YouTube on September 3, 2015. Between the amazing cast and riveting storyline, it is sure to please even the most hardcore Star Wars fans, as well as fans who are new to the Force. Why? Because ultimately, the cast, Windstorm Entertainment, and James Brothers Studio are fans, just like we are. Okay, so they’re fans that are an incredibly talented group of actors, directors, writers, camera people, and set designers, but it’s their fandom that makes them love and respect this universe as much as we do. And it’s this love that is poured into every detail of this incredible fan film. So, from Jedi, to Jedi; stay tuned on September 3 for Legacy of the Force.

XXX

For more on Star Wars Legends: Legacy of the Force, check out our exclusive interview with Tye Nelson: one of the film’s producers and lead actors!

 

 

 

Star Wars Stand-Alone Film ‘Rogue One’ Begins Shooting, Cast Announced

by Agent Nur Hussein (a.k.a. The Robot Whisperer)

Star Wars news is flying this weekend, as Disney president Alan Horn announced that Colin Trevorrow is going to direct Star Wars Episode IX, and Lucasfilm revealed that the first of the standalone Star Wars films from Disney, Rogue One, has begun principal photography. The complete main cast has also been announced. The film, directed by Gareth Edwards (the man who directed 2014’s Godzilla), will be set just before Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope.

The cast members announced so far are:

  • Felicity Jones
  • Diego Luna
  • Ben Mendelsohn
  • Donnie Yen
  • Jiang Wen
  • Forest Whitaker
  • Mads Mikkelsen
  • Alan Tudyk
  • Riz Ahmed

Some of those names should be familiar to fans of genre, such as Mads Mikkelsen who plays Dr. Hannibal Lecter on TV’s tragically-cancelled Hannibal, and Alan Tudyk who was in another space adventure franchise (also tragically cancelled), Firefly. Tudyk is reportedly playing a motion-capture computer animated character.

The story is about just how the nascent Rebel Alliance managed to get their hands on the Death Star plans, which eventually found their way to Princess Leia in A New Hope. Previously, in the Expanded Universe, the plans were stolen by the a rebel named Kyle Katarn, first introduced in the video game Star Wars: Dark Forces in 1995. Now that the Expanded Universe has been deemed null and void by Disney when they acquired Lucasfilm, they are now free to tell a different story. The idea for the story was first pitched by Industrial Light and Magic visual effects supervisor John Knoll, and the higher-ups were immediately captivated by the proposal. Gareth Edwards has said the story isn’t morally black and white like the movies, but more “gray.”

This also isn’t the first time we’ve seen a standalone Star Wars film that wasn’t part of the episode-numbered saga. Way back in the day we got the Star Wars Holiday Special and two movies about Ewoks, but those are best forgotten. We don’t quite know how Disney’s Star Wars movies will fare, but if the quality of their animated series Star Wars: Rebels is any indicator, we are bound for a satisfactory experience. Let’s hope it turns out to be good!

Rogue One is set to be released 16 December 2016.

San Diego Comic Con 2015: Preview Night and Day One

by Agent Zoe de Lellis (a.k.a. Han-ji)

Okay, folks, it’s officially here!! One of the biggest weekends for pop culture fans is upon us. San Diego Comic Con International 2015 brings tons of new and exclusive content, gorgeous detail-oriented cosplays, brand new trailers for upcoming movies and shows, and all of the nerd paraphernalia you can think of!

Kicking off the weekend, well … “weekend” … was Wednesday: preview night. This night was the chance to score some pretty major stuff. Freebies and giveaways abounded, and many companies created exclusive merchandise just for this night. We don’t see much cosplay on preview night because it’s the day most people come to just pick up their badges and scour the exhibit hall floor for their next purchases, but there were a few brave souls trying out parts of their costumes, or just dressed up for the fun of it.

A big part of the SDCC experience is the surrounding activities as well as what’s inside the convention center. This year, this so-called “outside” boasts a Heroes: Reborn experience, a Call of Duty: Black Ops III exclusive look, Star Wars experiences, and much more … if you’re willing to brave the sunlight (it burns, it burns!). Also, the Assassin’s Creed showcase is back, just across the street from the convention center and the metro transit station. If you need a break from all the action of the exhibitor’s hall, or some fresh air after giving up that perfect seat in Hall H, these attractions might be just what you need; they’ll be there all weekend.

On to Thursday. Now, as for Hall H panels, Thursday looked pretty thin. Besides a Doctor Who panel where fans got their first look at the teaser for season nine, and an exclusive look at The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2, the hall boasted mostly trailer premieres and playbacks. SDCC seems to be saving all the big-hitter panels for Friday and Saturday, making lines for those days insane! If last year is any indication, you might wanna start lining up now if you want to get into that Joss Whedon panel on Saturday!

The exhibitor’s hall was pretty packed Thursday, and it’s only going to get more crowded! I recommend locating your favorite booths ahead of time so you can make a beeline for them first. Anytime there’s a giveaway, signing, or meet up, lines get long pretty quickly. And if you see a celebrity taking photos, always assume there’s a huge line somewhere for that meet and greet (take it from someone who constantly makes that mistake and gets their hopes up that iJustine is just walking the convention floor. No, Zoe, there’s a line that starts there and ends waaaaaaaay back there).

Panel-wise, I hit one about breaking into the comics industry as an artist, writer, penciler, etc., and a conversation with YA authors Rainbow Rowell and Leigh Bardugo, both New York Times bestselling authors. I always like attending industry panels because it really give me insight about how much work goes into creating comics and movies. The talent and time needed to be successful is astounding, but judging by the sheer amount of people attending comic conventions these days, it’s totally doable if you’ve got the will. It’s really great to see Artists’ Alley filled with talented, passionate people willing to put their work out there.

Overall, Thursday gave a solid start to the con weekend. I’m looking forward to some great panels coming up in the next few days, as well as seeing all the amazing cosplay, and soaking up as much of this geeky weekend as I can!

If you’re looking for a ride downtown to or from the convention, Uber, Lyft, and Sidecar are offering some great deals To get a:

  • $20 credit from Uber, enter the code CDMZM
  • $20 credit from Lyft enter code  LAURA3798
  • $15 credit from Sidecar enter code LAURA773

As far as fan meetups go, there’s a horror meetup on Saturday at 5:00 p.m. at Children’s Park on Front and Island Ave. Attendees are encouraged to come in cosplay.

Off for another great day at SDCC! We hope to see you there! We’re sharing our photos on Instagram @SVNvillains. Tag us with your best SDCC pix!

XXX

 

Oracle of the Cosmic Order: A Practical Guide to Mayhem by the Stars 6/15-6/21

by Agent Amanda Grefski (a.k.a. Madame Helleveeg)

June 15-21 2015 Horoscope:

Are you missing your ever-faithful six-fingered man, when you have your country’s 500th anniversary to plan, your wedding to arrange, your spouse to oust and Guilder to frame for it? This is a week of patience, restraint and testing loyalty.

Don’t let your anticipation, or your pride, get the better of you and, for goodness’ sake, take your time. Remember, when you rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. But if you wait, you may end up with a holocaust cloak, a giant, a wheel barrow, and the Dread Pirate Roberts, which might just be enough to win the fight this week.

Aries  (3/21 – 4/19):

Aries villain, because you’re the first sign of the zodiac, you’re also the youngest soul. This comes with many fine qualities like your whimsy, your child-like enthusiasm, your exuberant glee and relish when you crush your enemy like a fly … I digress. But with this comes some, let’s say, unproductive qualities, like the inability to wait. And this often backfires on you. Remember when you couldn’t wait for Yak-Shaving Day to arrive? You forgot the coleslaw, the diapers, and even the shaving cream. The result? No shaving scum for you, bub.

So be patient and good things will happen this week, but if your anticipation gets the better of you, it may be another Yak-less holiday for you.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):

Taurus villain, of all the earth signs, you have the most exquisite taste and style. However, that taste and style has a Cruella DeVil-sized price tag. You’re usually savvy enough to maintain such a budget, but not this week. Unforeseen circumstances will leave your budget drier than Tatooine and Arrakis put together. The only way to hang on to some Spice while the sandworms wreak havoc is to cut your spending for the week. Things will eventually go back to normal, Muad’Dib, and before long you’ll be riding that sandworm rather than avoiding it.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21):

Gemini villain, you have a hard time sorting things out this week. Between all the voices in your mind, and circumstances escalating in every direction, your life has all of the chaos and anxiety of Two Face raiding a Starbucks. The problem is events are moving like a Tilt-A-Whirl and your mind is the state fair. The only thing to do? Relax and wait out the ride.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22):

Cancer villain, underneath that crustaceous shell, your heart beats like a true romantic. More than just a tough shell, there’s a thorn field that would make Maleficent proud before we find that tender, sleeping beauty of a heart. Well, this week that heart buzzes with true love’s kiss, until it gets close enough to the goods to find … a less-than-charming result. Do you feel like you’ve gotten the Red Hot Riding Hood switcheroo? But all is not lost! It’s often said, a dream is a wish your heart makes, but you’re not satisfied with that Cancer villain, don’t dream it, be it! I know things have been a little rocky, but don’t settle for that riff-raff!

Leo (7/23 – 8/22):

Leo villain, has this ever happened to you? You’re sent out for a loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter, and you come home with a rhinestone-studded villain suit, because … “Ohhhh, sparkly!” Or you come home with a box of cream-filled chocolate yummies, because … “Me love cookie!”

Most people perceive that as … er … kind of a betrayal and, worse yet, a misuse of funds. And no amount of Leo charm can get you out of these transgressions this week. The best course of action? When you get to Mr. Hooper’s store, bring a list, and blinders! Or you may be spending your time in the trashcan with Oscar rather than in the brownstone with Bert.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22):

Virgo villain, you have your enemies on the run this week! Or better yet, you and Muttley have tied Dudley and Nell to the tracks of the 9:00 a.m. commuter. But you may have the tendency to second-guess your victory, which will flip everything like a bar of upsidaisium. This not only puts you in the clutches of that detestable moose and squirrel, but it will land you a one-way ticket to Fort Knick-Nack. So don’t lose your grip, Mr. Big.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22):

Libra villain, this is a week of big headaches. How big? Guiron to the right temple and the Terrans to the left temple. Someone call Gamera, please! And to top it off, where is the Count Rugen to your Prince Humperdinck? Where is the Smee to your Captain Hook? Nowhere to be found. Trust your instincts on the reasons for their absence, but know things won’t be as you wish until they return. So, instead of obsessing, have a mutton, lettuce, and tomato sandwich (make sure the mutton is nice and lean and the tomatoes are perky) and storm the castle another day.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21):

Scorpio villain, this week, you’ve won the jackpot. You feel like Voldemort with all three deathly hallows. And if that weren’t enough, you’ve got the perfect forum to showcase your talent. This week, you’re Ultron, and the entire world is your stage. And with Joss writing your lines behind the scenes, you’re truly golden … or adamantium. But, don’t rest on your laurels! Remember, the Scorpio heroes also have the Whedon touch this week, too.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21):

Sag Villain, here is the sad truth. In the parable of the ant and the grasshopper, you’re the grasshopper. Any chance to skip the daily grind and make merry, you’ll do it. You’re a modern day Falstaff, wiiiith some more redeeming qualities, of course. The bottom line? This week you need to get your butt in gear and start to work. I mean really work. Do you really want to be beaten by the likes of Flap Jack, Lazy Bones? No way. You’ve got your pride, Sag villain! So, get cracking on that new venom formula for Bane, or that extra voltage for Whiplash’s whips, because that hard work means more coin in the coffer for you!

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19):

Capricorn villain, let’s face it: You’re a work-a-holic. But, you’re far from a Robocop or the Terminator, so you do occasionally burn out. You know that all work and no play can make Jack a dull boy, but if left unchecked, it can truly be redrum. So, take a minute to relax and enjoy yourself, before you go up in smoke. We don’t want another Jean Gray incident on our hands, do we?

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18):

Aquarius villain, your expectations are a little inflated this week, and it might land you in a touch of trouble. I mean, let’s face it, you’re Brainiac’s more socially well-adjusted cousin, right? You have the brains and the charm to pull just about anything off, right? Most weeks, that would be true, but not this one. Be conservative this week. Remember the last time you were over-zealous? When you tampered with the materials in Mum-Ra’s wrappings? Talk about scaring the ever-living daylights out of us! Remember when you thought you could improve Galvatron’s spark plugs? We nearly had a decepti-bomb. Cool your jets this week and take the time to fine tune your ideas.

Pisces (2/19 -3/20):

Pisces villain, it’s been said that you’re a bit of a squeaky wheel. To put it mildly you keep WD-40 in business. Want to avoid a whine session worse than Shredder and Krang circa 1987? Stop martyring yourself! Stop choosing the short straw! You may find yourself sounding less like a screeching, puckered balloon if you say “no” to things you don’t like. Now, that doesn’t mean you should take it to the opposite extreme and go all Veruca Salt on us either. You’re not that kind of bad egg (or nut).