by Agent Amanda Grefski (a.k.a Madame Helleveeg)
September 21 to September 27, 2015 Horoscope:
You feel like the Force is with you this week, but make sure the warranty on that light saber is paid up, because you and your weapons do have limits. And don’t worry about being left behind, whether it’s because of Mercury’s retrograde or any other reason.
Being left behind can be a curse and a blessing; those who you thought were allies remove themselves from your life with surprisingly little effort. What’s more, this is a week when your nefarious plans will shine, so they will be regretting that decision immediately after removing themselves from your life. And, whether it’s today or tomorrow, you’ll exact revenge. Now that sounds like something to wait out the retrograde for, doesn’t it?
Aries (3/21 – 4/19):
Aries villain, you feel like the Force is with you this week, but make sure the warrantee on that light saber is paid up, because you and your weapons do have limits. Despite Mercury’s retrograde, you feel like a million Alliance Credits, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pace yourself!
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):
Taurus villain, this week you must refrain from going over your budget. So, unfortunately this means no Guitar Boy for you, kiddo. If you let your frivolous spending get the better of you, you may be looking at a steady diet of ramen in the near future. Or worse yet, it may put you in a bullish mood that alienates your overlord. And, as you remember, that always ends in a situation that goes ka-boom, doesn’t it?
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21):
Gemini villain, Mercury is your “home planet,” so when mercury is in retrograde, you’re more tongue-tied than Cat’s video on the good ole Red Dwarf. Worse yet, you really do have to worry about what smeg people say and what you say back. It’s best to take a step back and lay low for while before this retrograde runs its course.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/22):
Cancer villain, you’re feeling the tension lately. Not only are you bearing the brunt of the retrograde’s miscommunications, but whatever has got you in such a twist makes you feel like a thermonuclear reactor inside. You’re a regular Bomb Voyage with your own combustion. Not cool (quite literally). If this means the crabby villain has to retreat into his or her shell for a bit to cool off? So be it, because unless you’re ready to fricassee your enemies, no one is safe this week.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22):
Leo villain, you are a ball of anticipation this week; it’s Chase waiting to open the Zoey’s time capsule. You’re just dying to know what inside, but you may need to wait another moment. And true to the theory of relativity, that moment seems like a lifetime. Try not to sweat it … the operative word here is “try.” You may need a mani and pedi when the anticipation is over, but you can do it, Leo villain.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22):
Virgo villain, if you don’t control yourself, you may be in for a little temper tantrum this week. And I’m not talking a toddler TT, unless that toddler is the love child of Baby Huey and the Hulk. Sigh. Things are just not going to go your way this week and you may have to accept some unflattering change.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22):
Because you are the chief negotiator of the zodiac, you are the Khals and Khaleesis this week. You’ll be able to cut through the miscommunication of the retrograde like a dance with dragons. What’s more, your business sense is better than the Spider and Little Finger combined, which makes this mine-field rife with miscommunication yours for the picking. It’s a stark comparison to how everyone else will be communicating, that’s for sure. Just stick to business, and don’t be so overconfident that you lose your head.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21):
Scorpio villain, do you feel like you’ve been re-running Home Alone for the past 25 years? Ahhhhhhh! Being left behind can be a curse and a blessing; those who you thought were allies remove themselves from your life with surprisingly little effort. What’s more, this is a week where your nefarious plans will shine, so they will be regretting that decision immediately after removing themselves from your life. I think that sounds better than a family trip to Paris, don’t you?
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21):
Sag villain: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all? You are Sag villain, without a doubt. And with your knack for poison apples, you’re quite the villain to contend with. However, because mercury is in retrograde, you are especially susceptible to flattery, Regina, so be careful! You don’t want to be the spider caught in another black widow’s web, do you?
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19):
Your stoic expression belies a fertile villainous mind, Cappy villain. And especially in this retrograde of retrogrades, you are mistaken for passive, or potentially inept. This couldn’t be further from the truth. You have Poison Ivy’s drive and Magneto’s cunning, and the patience to pale both of them. The result? Cross seemingly mild-mannered Cappy villain and watch out! It may not be be soon, or even this week, but you will exact revenge, Capricorn villain.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18):
You are the mastermind of the zodiac and you’ve got the big, blue brain to prove it … er, well, usually. When Mercury is in retrograde, your ideas get a little scrambled. Kind of like Mojo Jojo in a 7-11 raspberry blue slushy machine. The crux of your idea is in there, but with most of us scrambled as well, there’s no one to unscramble your cypher. You are a puzzle, wrapped in an enigma, shrouded in mystery, and you may have to remain that way until the retrograde is over.
Pisces villain, you’re a sensitive little fishy, but you’re not content to swim circles in your fish bowl or some pond — you may be coy, but you’re not koi, am I right? Ponyo, you’re not! You’re fugu all the way; cute at the get go, but watch out! You’ve got a stinger and poison to match and although you may deflate those spikes for the right fish, Mercury’s retrograde makes that very difficult. On the flip side, don’t take this as carte blanche to sting now and ask later, either.